So I have become a totally proud baby wearing Mama! I am addicted to carriers and am trying to learn as much as I can. As I learn I will tell you. Stash photos to come soon!
And to add to my stash (hopefully) I have entered in a contest to win a Beco Butterfly II! Wish me luck! Here's the link:
www.peacelovepoop.com/?p=1351
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Friday, February 27, 2009
About Time
So it is about time I got back on this thing. I think for now I am going to kind of keep this a my personal blog. Maybe I will later change it over to a family tool, but for now I need it for me.
Quick overall update. My grandfather died last Monday. I really didn't handle it well and still really haven't finished the grieving process at all. I have struggled with a lot of anger over the whole thing. And then when I was ready to go to his funeral and really cry and start to move forward in the process, the funeral wasn't really a place for grieving. It was a great church service, but when the pastor did the homily about Eddie is was mostly about MCV, the parking deck, the ICU, the palliative care unit. Never a sad work or anything to make the tears come, that I so needed to cry. So I am really stuck in the process right now. I am hoping it will continue to move forward. I am avoiding my grandmother's, but I didn't realize that until recently. I am scared I will break down there. We will just have to see.
But with all of that going on I have decided to make some changes personally. It is time to take control of myself, my life, my priorities, etc. Now usually when I do this I try to make every change all at once and I so overwhelm myself that I burn out and give up quickly. So this time I got a lot of tools: Work out books and DVD's, financial books, cook books, cleaning supplies, etc, but I am going to add them in slowly.
Step Number 1. Since Monday night I have gone to bed early! Between 9pm and 10:30pm. That might not seem early to some people, but that is CRAZY early for me. But here it is Friday and I feel so much better. I was awake, alert, alive at work as soon as I got in this morning. That is a huge change. Hooray! I am starting to feel good.
Step 2. Wednesday and Thursday I added two things together for my step two. I have been sticking to Weight Watchers. I mean really sticking. Recording everything, drinking the water, etc. I am short on my diary, but I am on points, so I good start. I have also done Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred video the past two nights. Let me tell you I am feeling it! Yesterday I could feel it in my thighs. Today it is my thighs, chest and arms! It is a kick butt workout. It is really short- about 22-25 minutes, but it is built on circuits and really keeps you going. Warm up, 3 minutes strength, 2 minutes cardio, one minute abs, repeat circuit two more times, and cool down. Wow, it works. I am hoping that when I weigh in Tuesday I will have something to show for it.
So only two steps so far, but they are a good start. I have even been laying out my clothes most nights or having an idea for the next day, so I am getting out the door faster. So small changes, but good results so that is the best way to start.
Weekend plans- it is Randy's birthday weekend (he gets the whole weekend because he is a leap-day baby and there is no 29th this year). So far he says he doesn't want to do anything. It bothers me because I LOVE birthdays and think they should always be a big deal! But it is his birthday so I need to let him choose. I think he wants to install his mom's microwave tomorrow. I will probably go to the gym while he does that. I will still do the 30 Day Shred video but add in some cardio like Zumba tomorrow. It will be good for me. Church Sunday and maybe Zumba again. We will just have to see.
Oh yes, and I have started the Love Dare today. Day One is saying nothing negative towards your spouse- in my case future spouse. I have already learned I like to use sarcasm to kind of make a point of something I don't agree with. Already today I have had to bite my tongue and say nothing until I can think of something positive to say or come up with a question. So I think this will be good for us. Definitely will be an eye opening experience for me.
OK I think that is it for now. I have a 30 minute massage at 1pm today that I won in last year's Biggest Loser Contest. It expired at the end of this month. I am looking forward to it! A good way to start the weekend!
Quick overall update. My grandfather died last Monday. I really didn't handle it well and still really haven't finished the grieving process at all. I have struggled with a lot of anger over the whole thing. And then when I was ready to go to his funeral and really cry and start to move forward in the process, the funeral wasn't really a place for grieving. It was a great church service, but when the pastor did the homily about Eddie is was mostly about MCV, the parking deck, the ICU, the palliative care unit. Never a sad work or anything to make the tears come, that I so needed to cry. So I am really stuck in the process right now. I am hoping it will continue to move forward. I am avoiding my grandmother's, but I didn't realize that until recently. I am scared I will break down there. We will just have to see.
But with all of that going on I have decided to make some changes personally. It is time to take control of myself, my life, my priorities, etc. Now usually when I do this I try to make every change all at once and I so overwhelm myself that I burn out and give up quickly. So this time I got a lot of tools: Work out books and DVD's, financial books, cook books, cleaning supplies, etc, but I am going to add them in slowly.
Step Number 1. Since Monday night I have gone to bed early! Between 9pm and 10:30pm. That might not seem early to some people, but that is CRAZY early for me. But here it is Friday and I feel so much better. I was awake, alert, alive at work as soon as I got in this morning. That is a huge change. Hooray! I am starting to feel good.
Step 2. Wednesday and Thursday I added two things together for my step two. I have been sticking to Weight Watchers. I mean really sticking. Recording everything, drinking the water, etc. I am short on my diary, but I am on points, so I good start. I have also done Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred video the past two nights. Let me tell you I am feeling it! Yesterday I could feel it in my thighs. Today it is my thighs, chest and arms! It is a kick butt workout. It is really short- about 22-25 minutes, but it is built on circuits and really keeps you going. Warm up, 3 minutes strength, 2 minutes cardio, one minute abs, repeat circuit two more times, and cool down. Wow, it works. I am hoping that when I weigh in Tuesday I will have something to show for it.
So only two steps so far, but they are a good start. I have even been laying out my clothes most nights or having an idea for the next day, so I am getting out the door faster. So small changes, but good results so that is the best way to start.
Weekend plans- it is Randy's birthday weekend (he gets the whole weekend because he is a leap-day baby and there is no 29th this year). So far he says he doesn't want to do anything. It bothers me because I LOVE birthdays and think they should always be a big deal! But it is his birthday so I need to let him choose. I think he wants to install his mom's microwave tomorrow. I will probably go to the gym while he does that. I will still do the 30 Day Shred video but add in some cardio like Zumba tomorrow. It will be good for me. Church Sunday and maybe Zumba again. We will just have to see.
Oh yes, and I have started the Love Dare today. Day One is saying nothing negative towards your spouse- in my case future spouse. I have already learned I like to use sarcasm to kind of make a point of something I don't agree with. Already today I have had to bite my tongue and say nothing until I can think of something positive to say or come up with a question. So I think this will be good for us. Definitely will be an eye opening experience for me.
OK I think that is it for now. I have a 30 minute massage at 1pm today that I won in last year's Biggest Loser Contest. It expired at the end of this month. I am looking forward to it! A good way to start the weekend!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
What's Wrong With Me?
What's wrong with me? Today and in general. Today I just have this martyred, overwhelmed attitude that is even getting on my own nerves. And in general, what is wrong with me that I feel personally responsible for anything that I am involved in, no matter how slightly. Why can't I just let let things not be perfect and leave the past behind????? ARG I am driving myself nuts today.
I woke up this morning and spent the whole time in the shower composing some type of email in my head to follow up the foot washing Bible Study we did Monday night. I wasn't very happy with it. It was prepared at the last possible second, mostly read, very little discussion, and then during the actually foot washing people were joking and laughing and not paying attention. HELLO! This is supposed to be a very reverent time. But Matt was leading, not me. I really tried to let him handle everything. But now I want to follow up with everyone. I want them to understand what that night was supposed to be about. How it should have been more respected. This was the last thing Jesus did before the Last Supper. One of his last acts. This is one of the last impressions he left with his disciples. Think about this. What types of things are allowed to be presented in court. Death bed confessions are one. Why? Because it is a time that a person can be honest. He has nothing left to lose, nothing left to gain, just a time to be honest. The foot washing was something Jesus pretty much did on His death bed. But did he feel that way? Would he really have human thoughts like that? Yes! Jesus was human! In the Garden on Gethsemane He prayed that if He did not have to be hung on the cross to let the burden pass from him. He was human. He did not want a painful death. Yes he knew his Father would take care of him, but he was very human in his thoughts. So on his human death bed he spent time to act as a servant to his disciples. He spent his last evening washing the feet of the men who followed him. He acted as the lowest servant in the house would. Here was Jesus pouring himself out for those He would leave behind. And as we talked about it as a combination of three small groups there was little said. But you would think that when it came time that two leaders in the groups get down and wash the feet of everyone there that the mood would be a bit more reverent. This is not just a reenactment for fun. This is an act of servitude. This is an act of remembrance, an answer to the call that Jesus issued for us to do this for one another, a time to reflect on what it means. WE talked about why only the feet needed to be washed, they were already bathed in full, but their feet would be dirty from the walk there. When Peter said wash all of me and Jesus said no because he did not need to be cleaned all over because he had already been cleaned. That is like us an our baptism. When we are baptized and accept Jesus we are washed clean of our sins. But in the world we still sin and need to have our feet cleaned, we need to ask for forgiveness and have those latest sins washed away. What does it mean to have someone else wash our feet? These are the types of thoughts I would expect to be going through people's heads. When I did this and it was a bunch of 14-17 year olds, everyone there seemed to get it, respect it, be thoughtful. This time it was like a big joke and I was very frustrated by it. It really bothers me on a lot of levels. And I know some of this frustration stems from what I see as a lack of maturity in our gr op as a whole, but to do something so meaningful and powerful to have it made fun of and have people sit around and loudly laugh about pedicures and shoes and all other kinds of things during this has just bothered me for days. So thank you for letting me get all of that off my chest. I don't want to be the bad guy and send an email out blasting everyone for not taking it seriously, but I really feel like everyone there only learned maybe a very small lesson that night. It could have been so much more powerful and a time when we could have all really grown in our faith. I am frustrated because I know I am not growing and I am not sure others are either in this setting. I am supposed to be one of the leaders and I am just not sure it is all going right. But enough venting on this subject. I would really like to find a positive way of continuing to build on what happened last week. Maybe in next Wednesday's study I will talk more about the ceremony as a whole.
That helped me feel better just getting it all off my chest, so instead of venting about everything else that is bothering me, I really should just change it to prayer requests about what I need to work on, think about, etc:
*Wellness Committee- I am not in charge but constantly get put on the position of running and handling everything. I have toyed with the idea of taking a month off. I have also toyed with the idea of quitting. But that strikes fear in my heart because I am scared it would fall apart. Why can't I let something fail. I can't always save everything. This is how I get to the point I am now with being stretched too thin.
*Martyr- why do I constantly feel like every comment made to me or about me but be taken in a negative fashion and feel like an insult. This is not healthy. And today is proof enough that this attitude makes things worse between Randy and I. Our morning conversation could have gone so much better. We both could have gotten off the phone happy and ready to tackle the day. but instead I brought us both down by my attitude of only looking for failures in myself. Felling that I have to do it all. make everyone else happy all the time. Feeling like a failure when I don't. And then thinking, why can't someone else just make plans because obviously I am not doing a good job like I used to. Well, one, I am not making plans like I used to so of course they wouldn't work out well and two, how can anyone know that I would like for them to handle things if I don't tell them? I am my own worst enemy.
*Bible Study/ Spiritual Life- I need to let people know that I am not growing. I need to let people know what I need from them. I need to stop getting so upset when someone agrees to do something and they don't follow through. I need to let people fail. I need to be ok with failing myself as well. I need to be in the Word more. I need to have someone I can talk to about what I am learning. I need to have someone that holds me accountable for reaching the goals I set for myself.
*My attitude- stop the perfectionism. Find a way to motivate myself that is not pure panic or stress. I need to find a way to get into a routine. I function much better in routines. I just need to set one up and stick to it. I need to eat better and work out- when I do these I feel better physically and mentally. I need to get some sleep. Staying up is hurting me and making more sensitive and critical. All these are ways to improve my attitude. Now that I know how to, I need to just get off my butt and get motivated and start doing them!
Probably enough venting for now.
I woke up this morning and spent the whole time in the shower composing some type of email in my head to follow up the foot washing Bible Study we did Monday night. I wasn't very happy with it. It was prepared at the last possible second, mostly read, very little discussion, and then during the actually foot washing people were joking and laughing and not paying attention. HELLO! This is supposed to be a very reverent time. But Matt was leading, not me. I really tried to let him handle everything. But now I want to follow up with everyone. I want them to understand what that night was supposed to be about. How it should have been more respected. This was the last thing Jesus did before the Last Supper. One of his last acts. This is one of the last impressions he left with his disciples. Think about this. What types of things are allowed to be presented in court. Death bed confessions are one. Why? Because it is a time that a person can be honest. He has nothing left to lose, nothing left to gain, just a time to be honest. The foot washing was something Jesus pretty much did on His death bed. But did he feel that way? Would he really have human thoughts like that? Yes! Jesus was human! In the Garden on Gethsemane He prayed that if He did not have to be hung on the cross to let the burden pass from him. He was human. He did not want a painful death. Yes he knew his Father would take care of him, but he was very human in his thoughts. So on his human death bed he spent time to act as a servant to his disciples. He spent his last evening washing the feet of the men who followed him. He acted as the lowest servant in the house would. Here was Jesus pouring himself out for those He would leave behind. And as we talked about it as a combination of three small groups there was little said. But you would think that when it came time that two leaders in the groups get down and wash the feet of everyone there that the mood would be a bit more reverent. This is not just a reenactment for fun. This is an act of servitude. This is an act of remembrance, an answer to the call that Jesus issued for us to do this for one another, a time to reflect on what it means. WE talked about why only the feet needed to be washed, they were already bathed in full, but their feet would be dirty from the walk there. When Peter said wash all of me and Jesus said no because he did not need to be cleaned all over because he had already been cleaned. That is like us an our baptism. When we are baptized and accept Jesus we are washed clean of our sins. But in the world we still sin and need to have our feet cleaned, we need to ask for forgiveness and have those latest sins washed away. What does it mean to have someone else wash our feet? These are the types of thoughts I would expect to be going through people's heads. When I did this and it was a bunch of 14-17 year olds, everyone there seemed to get it, respect it, be thoughtful. This time it was like a big joke and I was very frustrated by it. It really bothers me on a lot of levels. And I know some of this frustration stems from what I see as a lack of maturity in our gr op as a whole, but to do something so meaningful and powerful to have it made fun of and have people sit around and loudly laugh about pedicures and shoes and all other kinds of things during this has just bothered me for days. So thank you for letting me get all of that off my chest. I don't want to be the bad guy and send an email out blasting everyone for not taking it seriously, but I really feel like everyone there only learned maybe a very small lesson that night. It could have been so much more powerful and a time when we could have all really grown in our faith. I am frustrated because I know I am not growing and I am not sure others are either in this setting. I am supposed to be one of the leaders and I am just not sure it is all going right. But enough venting on this subject. I would really like to find a positive way of continuing to build on what happened last week. Maybe in next Wednesday's study I will talk more about the ceremony as a whole.
That helped me feel better just getting it all off my chest, so instead of venting about everything else that is bothering me, I really should just change it to prayer requests about what I need to work on, think about, etc:
*Wellness Committee- I am not in charge but constantly get put on the position of running and handling everything. I have toyed with the idea of taking a month off. I have also toyed with the idea of quitting. But that strikes fear in my heart because I am scared it would fall apart. Why can't I let something fail. I can't always save everything. This is how I get to the point I am now with being stretched too thin.
*Martyr- why do I constantly feel like every comment made to me or about me but be taken in a negative fashion and feel like an insult. This is not healthy. And today is proof enough that this attitude makes things worse between Randy and I. Our morning conversation could have gone so much better. We both could have gotten off the phone happy and ready to tackle the day. but instead I brought us both down by my attitude of only looking for failures in myself. Felling that I have to do it all. make everyone else happy all the time. Feeling like a failure when I don't. And then thinking, why can't someone else just make plans because obviously I am not doing a good job like I used to. Well, one, I am not making plans like I used to so of course they wouldn't work out well and two, how can anyone know that I would like for them to handle things if I don't tell them? I am my own worst enemy.
*Bible Study/ Spiritual Life- I need to let people know that I am not growing. I need to let people know what I need from them. I need to stop getting so upset when someone agrees to do something and they don't follow through. I need to let people fail. I need to be ok with failing myself as well. I need to be in the Word more. I need to have someone I can talk to about what I am learning. I need to have someone that holds me accountable for reaching the goals I set for myself.
*My attitude- stop the perfectionism. Find a way to motivate myself that is not pure panic or stress. I need to find a way to get into a routine. I function much better in routines. I just need to set one up and stick to it. I need to eat better and work out- when I do these I feel better physically and mentally. I need to get some sleep. Staying up is hurting me and making more sensitive and critical. All these are ways to improve my attitude. Now that I know how to, I need to just get off my butt and get motivated and start doing them!
Probably enough venting for now.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Change in Plans
So I really thought today I would talk about two things I read on CNN. One about living slowly and the other a blog about a guy that is trying to live like he i son food stamps for a month. Both very thought provoking and presenting a challenge to me. I do want to tackle them on here soon, but as I was saying... change in plans...
Family update instead. My grandfather is in the ICU at MCV. We had a real scare Saturday night while he was there. Randy and I dropped Isabella off with his grandparents and headed up to the hospital. I must say I was very disappointed in myself. I got there but then had no idea what to say. In some ways I am glad he kept dozing off. I all of a sudden shut down. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the right words to say. What do I talk about? I was miserable. I couldn't figure out what to do and felt like a horrible human being for it. Things were going through my head... why didn't I take more picture of Isabella with him?... when was the last time I told him I loved him?... why did I never finish that poem for his that I have started several times? Even though I never could find the right words, wouldn't it have been better to have just written something, even if it wasn't perfect, so he knew what I have thought for years? He really has been the grandfather he didn't have to be... was I making it better being there?... was I making it worse being there?... am I just a week person for not being able to handle this better?
I don't have answers to a lot of these questions yet. I am still very upset with myself, but I have yet to come up with what to say and do next time I go. My uncle, aunt, and cousin have been up there and they don't seem to struggle (now they do all work in hospitals), but Dad and Jen went up there too and it sounds like their visits went better. I do love him, very much! So why was my visit more of a struggle? I feel so guilty!
But as of last night he has stabilized. His kidneys are not functioning but he seemed stronger and in better spirits. I am praying that he gets better!
Then this morning Addie called. She is keeping Isabella today and Wednesday to take Isabella to school and pick her up while mom is in Williamsburg. She called because she had to send her husband to pick up her son from school because he was throwing up. She was already on the way to the doctor with her daughter because she had been up all night throwing up. She offered to still pick up Isabella from school when she picked up her other daughter, but she didn't know if I wanted Isabella to be around all of that. I told her no, we had already it go around our family that I would be there to get her. I had to go tell my boss who was very understanding, considering I left early on Thursday for Tara's funeral. (My boss and I are both having very hard, trauma filled years.)
So, I am exhausted. I cannot even begin to tell you how tired I am. I am also supposed to be emailing my Bible Study co-leader. He requested to lead tonight's communion and wants to do a foot washing ceremony. When I talked to him yesterday he said he needed me there early and needed help getting the study together. I must admit I was a bit frustrated. This is something he offered to do over a month ago. And he tells me the day before that he needs me to create an outline and send him scriptures so he can have an idea of what to do. I wish I had known before last night he wanted this help. I would be a little frustrated in general any time he did this to me, but I have been texting him daily with all that is going on with Eddie in the hospital and all so he knows I am barely keeping my head above water. I know I need to ditch the frustration and just get through it all, but I am having trouble with that.
So what am I going to do today? I am going to email my co-leader some things I pulled off the internet as notes for him in case I can't be there tonight. I am going to pick up Isabella from school. I am going to spend some one on one time with her today. Maybe we will go to the park or something. I will spend no more than 45 minutes to an hour working on some stuff for the Bible Study tonight. I have no internet at home so I will take a copy of the printed notes home with me and then just work in my Bible. I will call Mema and check on Eddie and let her know what we have going on. I will go to Bible Study and then I will come home for some one on one time with Randy. (We watched Fireproof last night and that was awesome.) So tonight some non-movie time together.
Chances of this going as planned? Slim to none. Pretty much like all my plans lately. And Randy wonders why I don't make plans anymore. But here it is. I am praying things get better all around.
Family update instead. My grandfather is in the ICU at MCV. We had a real scare Saturday night while he was there. Randy and I dropped Isabella off with his grandparents and headed up to the hospital. I must say I was very disappointed in myself. I got there but then had no idea what to say. In some ways I am glad he kept dozing off. I all of a sudden shut down. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the right words to say. What do I talk about? I was miserable. I couldn't figure out what to do and felt like a horrible human being for it. Things were going through my head... why didn't I take more picture of Isabella with him?... when was the last time I told him I loved him?... why did I never finish that poem for his that I have started several times? Even though I never could find the right words, wouldn't it have been better to have just written something, even if it wasn't perfect, so he knew what I have thought for years? He really has been the grandfather he didn't have to be... was I making it better being there?... was I making it worse being there?... am I just a week person for not being able to handle this better?
I don't have answers to a lot of these questions yet. I am still very upset with myself, but I have yet to come up with what to say and do next time I go. My uncle, aunt, and cousin have been up there and they don't seem to struggle (now they do all work in hospitals), but Dad and Jen went up there too and it sounds like their visits went better. I do love him, very much! So why was my visit more of a struggle? I feel so guilty!
But as of last night he has stabilized. His kidneys are not functioning but he seemed stronger and in better spirits. I am praying that he gets better!
Then this morning Addie called. She is keeping Isabella today and Wednesday to take Isabella to school and pick her up while mom is in Williamsburg. She called because she had to send her husband to pick up her son from school because he was throwing up. She was already on the way to the doctor with her daughter because she had been up all night throwing up. She offered to still pick up Isabella from school when she picked up her other daughter, but she didn't know if I wanted Isabella to be around all of that. I told her no, we had already it go around our family that I would be there to get her. I had to go tell my boss who was very understanding, considering I left early on Thursday for Tara's funeral. (My boss and I are both having very hard, trauma filled years.)
So, I am exhausted. I cannot even begin to tell you how tired I am. I am also supposed to be emailing my Bible Study co-leader. He requested to lead tonight's communion and wants to do a foot washing ceremony. When I talked to him yesterday he said he needed me there early and needed help getting the study together. I must admit I was a bit frustrated. This is something he offered to do over a month ago. And he tells me the day before that he needs me to create an outline and send him scriptures so he can have an idea of what to do. I wish I had known before last night he wanted this help. I would be a little frustrated in general any time he did this to me, but I have been texting him daily with all that is going on with Eddie in the hospital and all so he knows I am barely keeping my head above water. I know I need to ditch the frustration and just get through it all, but I am having trouble with that.
So what am I going to do today? I am going to email my co-leader some things I pulled off the internet as notes for him in case I can't be there tonight. I am going to pick up Isabella from school. I am going to spend some one on one time with her today. Maybe we will go to the park or something. I will spend no more than 45 minutes to an hour working on some stuff for the Bible Study tonight. I have no internet at home so I will take a copy of the printed notes home with me and then just work in my Bible. I will call Mema and check on Eddie and let her know what we have going on. I will go to Bible Study and then I will come home for some one on one time with Randy. (We watched Fireproof last night and that was awesome.) So tonight some non-movie time together.
Chances of this going as planned? Slim to none. Pretty much like all my plans lately. And Randy wonders why I don't make plans anymore. But here it is. I am praying things get better all around.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Getting Started
OK I have been inspired to start a family blog. I probably won't tell anyone that this exists for a while until I get it really going. OK I will probably tell the one person that inspired me to do this, but that's it. I am not really sure what all I am going to use this for yet. I have several ideas:
A place to keep our family and friends up to date on our lives
An outlet for me and what I am thinking
A place to vent
A place to brag
Etc...
We will just have to see what this becomes, but I am willing to give it a shot.
I will probably check in on my friend's blog to see how she does hers to get further inspiration and ideas.
Here's to hoping this will work!
A place to keep our family and friends up to date on our lives
An outlet for me and what I am thinking
A place to vent
A place to brag
Etc...
We will just have to see what this becomes, but I am willing to give it a shot.
I will probably check in on my friend's blog to see how she does hers to get further inspiration and ideas.
Here's to hoping this will work!
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