Change in Plans

So I really thought today I would talk about two things I read on CNN. One about living slowly and the other a blog about a guy that is trying to live like he i son food stamps for a month. Both very thought provoking and presenting a challenge to me. I do want to tackle them on here soon, but as I was saying... change in plans...

Family update instead. My grandfather is in the ICU at MCV. We had a real scare Saturday night while he was there. Randy and I dropped Isabella off with his grandparents and headed up to the hospital. I must say I was very disappointed in myself. I got there but then had no idea what to say. In some ways I am glad he kept dozing off. I all of a sudden shut down. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the right words to say. What do I talk about? I was miserable. I couldn't figure out what to do and felt like a horrible human being for it. Things were going through my head... why didn't I take more picture of Isabella with him?... when was the last time I told him I loved him?... why did I never finish that poem for his that I have started several times? Even though I never could find the right words, wouldn't it have been better to have just written something, even if it wasn't perfect, so he knew what I have thought for years? He really has been the grandfather he didn't have to be... was I making it better being there?... was I making it worse being there?... am I just a week person for not being able to handle this better?

I don't have answers to a lot of these questions yet. I am still very upset with myself, but I have yet to come up with what to say and do next time I go. My uncle, aunt, and cousin have been up there and they don't seem to struggle (now they do all work in hospitals), but Dad and Jen went up there too and it sounds like their visits went better. I do love him, very much! So why was my visit more of a struggle? I feel so guilty!

But as of last night he has stabilized. His kidneys are not functioning but he seemed stronger and in better spirits. I am praying that he gets better!

Then this morning Addie called. She is keeping Isabella today and Wednesday to take Isabella to school and pick her up while mom is in Williamsburg. She called because she had to send her husband to pick up her son from school because he was throwing up. She was already on the way to the doctor with her daughter because she had been up all night throwing up. She offered to still pick up Isabella from school when she picked up her other daughter, but she didn't know if I wanted Isabella to be around all of that. I told her no, we had already it go around our family that I would be there to get her. I had to go tell my boss who was very understanding, considering I left early on Thursday for Tara's funeral. (My boss and I are both having very hard, trauma filled years.)

So, I am exhausted. I cannot even begin to tell you how tired I am. I am also supposed to be emailing my Bible Study co-leader. He requested to lead tonight's communion and wants to do a foot washing ceremony. When I talked to him yesterday he said he needed me there early and needed help getting the study together. I must admit I was a bit frustrated. This is something he offered to do over a month ago. And he tells me the day before that he needs me to create an outline and send him scriptures so he can have an idea of what to do. I wish I had known before last night he wanted this help. I would be a little frustrated in general any time he did this to me, but I have been texting him daily with all that is going on with Eddie in the hospital and all so he knows I am barely keeping my head above water. I know I need to ditch the frustration and just get through it all, but I am having trouble with that.

So what am I going to do today? I am going to email my co-leader some things I pulled off the internet as notes for him in case I can't be there tonight. I am going to pick up Isabella from school. I am going to spend some one on one time with her today. Maybe we will go to the park or something. I will spend no more than 45 minutes to an hour working on some stuff for the Bible Study tonight. I have no internet at home so I will take a copy of the printed notes home with me and then just work in my Bible. I will call Mema and check on Eddie and let her know what we have going on. I will go to Bible Study and then I will come home for some one on one time with Randy. (We watched Fireproof last night and that was awesome.) So tonight some non-movie time together.

Chances of this going as planned? Slim to none. Pretty much like all my plans lately. And Randy wonders why I don't make plans anymore. But here it is. I am praying things get better all around.