What's Wrong With Me?

What's wrong with me? Today and in general. Today I just have this martyred, overwhelmed attitude that is even getting on my own nerves. And in general, what is wrong with me that I feel personally responsible for anything that I am involved in, no matter how slightly. Why can't I just let let things not be perfect and leave the past behind????? ARG I am driving myself nuts today.

I woke up this morning and spent the whole time in the shower composing some type of email in my head to follow up the foot washing Bible Study we did Monday night. I wasn't very happy with it. It was prepared at the last possible second, mostly read, very little discussion, and then during the actually foot washing people were joking and laughing and not paying attention. HELLO! This is supposed to be a very reverent time. But Matt was leading, not me. I really tried to let him handle everything. But now I want to follow up with everyone. I want them to understand what that night was supposed to be about. How it should have been more respected. This was the last thing Jesus did before the Last Supper. One of his last acts. This is one of the last impressions he left with his disciples. Think about this. What types of things are allowed to be presented in court. Death bed confessions are one. Why? Because it is a time that a person can be honest. He has nothing left to lose, nothing left to gain, just a time to be honest. The foot washing was something Jesus pretty much did on His death bed. But did he feel that way? Would he really have human thoughts like that? Yes! Jesus was human! In the Garden on Gethsemane He prayed that if He did not have to be hung on the cross to let the burden pass from him. He was human. He did not want a painful death. Yes he knew his Father would take care of him, but he was very human in his thoughts. So on his human death bed he spent time to act as a servant to his disciples. He spent his last evening washing the feet of the men who followed him. He acted as the lowest servant in the house would. Here was Jesus pouring himself out for those He would leave behind. And as we talked about it as a combination of three small groups there was little said. But you would think that when it came time that two leaders in the groups get down and wash the feet of everyone there that the mood would be a bit more reverent. This is not just a reenactment for fun. This is an act of servitude. This is an act of remembrance, an answer to the call that Jesus issued for us to do this for one another, a time to reflect on what it means. WE talked about why only the feet needed to be washed, they were already bathed in full, but their feet would be dirty from the walk there. When Peter said wash all of me and Jesus said no because he did not need to be cleaned all over because he had already been cleaned. That is like us an our baptism. When we are baptized and accept Jesus we are washed clean of our sins. But in the world we still sin and need to have our feet cleaned, we need to ask for forgiveness and have those latest sins washed away. What does it mean to have someone else wash our feet? These are the types of thoughts I would expect to be going through people's heads. When I did this and it was a bunch of 14-17 year olds, everyone there seemed to get it, respect it, be thoughtful. This time it was like a big joke and I was very frustrated by it. It really bothers me on a lot of levels. And I know some of this frustration stems from what I see as a lack of maturity in our gr op as a whole, but to do something so meaningful and powerful to have it made fun of and have people sit around and loudly laugh about pedicures and shoes and all other kinds of things during this has just bothered me for days. So thank you for letting me get all of that off my chest. I don't want to be the bad guy and send an email out blasting everyone for not taking it seriously, but I really feel like everyone there only learned maybe a very small lesson that night. It could have been so much more powerful and a time when we could have all really grown in our faith. I am frustrated because I know I am not growing and I am not sure others are either in this setting. I am supposed to be one of the leaders and I am just not sure it is all going right. But enough venting on this subject. I would really like to find a positive way of continuing to build on what happened last week. Maybe in next Wednesday's study I will talk more about the ceremony as a whole.

That helped me feel better just getting it all off my chest, so instead of venting about everything else that is bothering me, I really should just change it to prayer requests about what I need to work on, think about, etc:
*Wellness Committee- I am not in charge but constantly get put on the position of running and handling everything. I have toyed with the idea of taking a month off. I have also toyed with the idea of quitting. But that strikes fear in my heart because I am scared it would fall apart. Why can't I let something fail. I can't always save everything. This is how I get to the point I am now with being stretched too thin.
*Martyr- why do I constantly feel like every comment made to me or about me but be taken in a negative fashion and feel like an insult. This is not healthy. And today is proof enough that this attitude makes things worse between Randy and I. Our morning conversation could have gone so much better. We both could have gotten off the phone happy and ready to tackle the day. but instead I brought us both down by my attitude of only looking for failures in myself. Felling that I have to do it all. make everyone else happy all the time. Feeling like a failure when I don't. And then thinking, why can't someone else just make plans because obviously I am not doing a good job like I used to. Well, one, I am not making plans like I used to so of course they wouldn't work out well and two, how can anyone know that I would like for them to handle things if I don't tell them? I am my own worst enemy.
*Bible Study/ Spiritual Life- I need to let people know that I am not growing. I need to let people know what I need from them. I need to stop getting so upset when someone agrees to do something and they don't follow through. I need to let people fail. I need to be ok with failing myself as well. I need to be in the Word more. I need to have someone I can talk to about what I am learning. I need to have someone that holds me accountable for reaching the goals I set for myself.
*My attitude- stop the perfectionism. Find a way to motivate myself that is not pure panic or stress. I need to find a way to get into a routine. I function much better in routines. I just need to set one up and stick to it. I need to eat better and work out- when I do these I feel better physically and mentally. I need to get some sleep. Staying up is hurting me and making more sensitive and critical. All these are ways to improve my attitude. Now that I know how to, I need to just get off my butt and get motivated and start doing them!

Probably enough venting for now.